The accidental perfectionist
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, It's me.
I’ve rejected the notion that I’m a perfectionist all of my life.
Recipes ruined from steps missed. Consistently cleaning tea spillages up from, well, everywhere. Wonky eyeliner, strands of hair dangling out of ponytails and the odd pen line across a clean new sweatshirt.
If you ask anyone who knows me (asides from my therapist), they would also reject that notion. Too clumsy, too easy-going.
But we were all wrong, it turns out I’ve been enduring crippling perfectionism my entire life. I just view perfectionism as an ideal, someone who has their life together, someone who gets manicures and someone who uses coasters.
See, during my ADHD assessment I was asked about my relationship with perfectionism. I awkwardly laughed.
I cannot tell you how many times in my life I’ve been berated for my lack of attention to detail. It used to pain me so, so badly, because it was never for the lack of trying. See I’d spend hours painstakingly pouring myself into a project, checking once, twice, at times even thrice (great word, glad I managed to slide that in here).
See, one of the less joyful parts of ADHD is the absolute sensitivity around criticism. What may seem constructive to a neurotypical brain can be blow way out of proportion with a neurodivergent brain.
As a child I used to agonise over a primary school practice of getting your writing checked in the draft book before writing up in best. Do you know what? I can honestly say, I think I managed to swerve every check, and just go straight to writing it up in the fancy book. I couldn’t bear the ordeal of it being reviewed.
The fear of being told I was wrong, being criticised lead to my perfectionist behaviour. But because I had such low self-confidence, I didn’t quite understand what it was to be a perfectionist.
With rose-tinted glasses on a perfectionist looks like they have their life together right? The truth is, there’s a lack of acceptance and self-belief.
One of my key identifiers to reach out about ADHD was the fact I had really good ideas, notebooks busting with them, you could always count on me in a brainstorm to go off on a tangent. But making those ideas a reality? Impossible.
I struggle to let things out into the world if they are not exactly as I imagined the would be, I always want to be putting a finishing touch here or there. And sometimes (less now) a project could be completely abandoned from the fear that it just wasn’t good enough.
I’ve been working through a lot since diagnosis, relearning who my true self is away from masking. One of these points of relearning is the perfectionism. Learning to just let things, be imperfect. To trust that things can develop, and can do so in front of others. To ask for feedback, to rein in my emotional response to the fear of being judged.
I thought this a poignant subject for an early post on A Very Good Day, see I know that writing isn’t my strongest point. Give me a camera, I’ll happily share images with the world. But, writing? It always sounds better in my head, and I know my style of writing isn’t profound or new.
But the point is, this is inperfectionism, which for me is acceptance. Consider me submitting my rough draft to you, instead of hiding it away and sneakily writing it up in best.
I’d love to know about your experience with perfectionism, I think it’s something we all battle to an extent without realising at times in our lives!