I’ll feel better once I’ve done that

notes on the perpetual mental to-do list

You cannot convince me that life isn’t one endless to-do list, with a golden goose task always slightly out of reach. Some days it induces endless anxieties, bouncing off one another like sugar-fuelled kids at a bouncy castle party. Other days, the eternal to-do list feels more like an old (slightly judgy) friend.

Most days I almost can visualise the end of the to-do list—oh, the freedom. How sweet it will feel, to not feel the guilt, to be cut ties with this overarching constant burden of being behind. But, no matter how close, how tantalisingly beautiful the finish line looks, another task appears. After all, perhaps this is just the way it was always supposed to be.

Look, I’m a disregulated person. I know that my adhd runs rings around me most of the time. Diagnosed and medicated, my adhd just laughs in the face of my efforts to contain it. I’ve found a way to make it work most of the time, whilst I won’t be jumping to write a course on ‘how to thrive with adhd’ because it’s quite honestly a wildly exhausting way to live. I am mostly happy, okay and only a little on edge.

That little on edge has been my way for a long time. It provides me with brilliant ideas, energy to create, to put plans into action and turn things around incredibly last minute. It also makes me grind my teeth, tense my shoulders and I’m pretty sure I can hold it responsible for at least half of my wrinkles. Right?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to free myself of the to-do list obsession. By managing the hell out of it, from writing a physical one in the evenings instead of the morning (less overwhelming, apparently) to only allowing myself to have three must-dos a day. But, the thing is, when it is so wholeheartedly ingrained in you, these things do not simply scrub out of your consciousness. Someone could shake me awake in the middle of the night and scream at me to tell me what’s on my to-do list, and despite the shock, I would recite it perfectly in order. Any time, any place, anywhere.

Maybe I’ve been going about this wrong, perhaps it’s not the ceremonial burning of all to-do lists. Perhaps it’s accepting that we will never be done. There’s always something more that can be done, no matter how efficient you are. Perhaps it’s accepting that productivity at all costs it’s a ridiculous existence. That actually we’re meant to do productive things, yes. But we’re also meant to do things because we just want to, on a whim. Even if those things, do not somehow push you forward.

I wish I had the answer, that would nicely round up my rambling. But, much like my mental to-do list. Some things are meant to be open-ended—that’s where the true adventure lies. Right?

Don’t mind me, just trying to make myself feel better about my dire need to feel like I’ve completed life.

Hopefully, you enjoyed this post, if you did I would be eternally grateful if you would share/restack so I can reach more people like you ♥️

Have a lovely day, Allie ☁︎

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