End-of-year roundups can be a slog to read/watch/listen to. A painful reminder of how the grass is, and always will be greener. Relationship milestones, career highs, destinations travelled. All whilst you, what? Tended to some runner beans?
I can tell you ‘they’re a highlight reel’, ‘everyone has their bad days’. But, the truth be told, we’ll all still go into the doom scroll knowing this, shoving it right to the dusty corner in the back of the mind at the first mention of their accomplishments. And instead, we’ll wallow, holding a wine glass by the thick glassy bit (only the other, more accomplished people hold by the stem after all), clouding it up and making the leftover Christmas wine an ambient lukewarm.
Apologies, if I’m sounding bitter, I’m not. In my twenties the tipping of a new year used to send me into a spiral, nowadays I’m usually somewhere in a spiral journey at any given time. Which wildly means that the usual cues of oncoming spirals do not pack the same punch. One benefit I suppose.
I’m coming to the end of this year somewhat at peace, it’s been a turbulent one, but as with every spin of the earth, it came with its highlights, low points and many lessons. So in the AI voice of Edward Norton making the rounds on TikTok. Goodbye 2024, I don’t hate you.
A year in review
Instead of listing my accomplishments for the year, which by societal standards would be deemed as rather meek (although I did yield many runner beans in my garden this year which feels like a rather large feat), I thought I’d share some of the lessons I’ve learnt in 2024. After all the best way to grow year after year is by taking in what went well, and what didn’t the year before right?
Lesson 01: Healing is uncomfortable
When I tentatively sent my now therapist an enquiry on a cold drizzly day in January, I felt the smallest pang of hope, that this time next year, I’ll be in a different place mentally. Swiftly nearing the destination, I am, very much so. Am I the different place I imagined though? No, there’s still work to be done.
No matter how much you’re forewarned, you still somewhat believe you’re the exception when it comes to the age-old saying ‘it gets worse before it gets better’. Maybe that gut of exception helps drive the motion towards helping yourself, after all, not a lot of people want to feel worse before they get better.
Therapy has made me face some of my biggest fears, shame and beliefs. But, facing them isn’t a linear activity, a gradual trek up an incline. As Ronan once put it, life therapy is a rollercoaster (baby, you just gotta ride it).
It’s painful knowing one week you’ll come out with a new revelation, a feeling of a breakthrough and the next? You’re in the pits of dealing with the next layer of your mind which has revealed itself in the breakthrough’s wake. It turns out issues can run a lot deeper than you can imagine.
But, through it all, healing no matter how uncomfortable is progress. You cannot build a stronghold on wobbly foundations.
Lesson 02: You’re not supposed to be productive at every waking moment
Productivity is like a ghost that has haunted my adult life. Every moment has been about striving for the ultimate use of time. Like most millennials, I was brought up on the notion that hard work pays off and that at any given time, there are ‘jobs’ to be done. When it’s not paid work, it’s housework, when it’s not housework, it’s life admin. Productivity, always.
I guess as someone who has executive dysfunction, productivity has always been a pillar of judgement on myself. In turn, I’ve managed to create an unhealthy attachment to measuring myself on how much I can achieve each day, and when that doesn’t go to plan, I fall a little off the deep end.
Until I sat down and offloaded all of my thoughts to my therapist, I didn’t realise the only times I truly rest are when I’m burnt out. Even when I appear to be resting, I’m mentally worrying, thinking or berating myself about things on my to-do list. The only downtime is when my brain is telling me enough is enough, and goes into a power-down mode, only waking occasionally to tell me I’m hungry, like the Furby forgotten in the back of your childhood wardrobe.
Maybe you already know this, I hope you do, but you are not supposed to be productive all of the time. Our worth isn’t attached to achievements, and a full life cannot present a fully completed to-do list (if those exist).
We are meant to rest, we are better when we rest, hilariously, we’re more productive when we’re supposed to be if we have had some rest.
Lesson 03: Savour every moment
Earlier this year I lost a friend, unexpectedly. There are a lot of lessons that can be learnt from grief, but the largest one is to enjoy all the moments you can, take the risk, and put joy first.
My friend was everyone’s friend, the funeral turnout felt like a small festival. He was someone who made the most of his life, he was always doing things that brought him joy and making so many friends along the way. Everyone I chatted with that day had their own story about him, he made a lot of memories.
In the wake of grief, you don’t suddenly get propelled into ‘savouring every moment’ - it’s more a gradual feeling that builds up. The realisation that life is too short to spend it without joy. Low points will always present themselves, that is life, but it’s what you make of it around it. The small joys, putting yourself first for once, saying no, saying yes, saying “*fuck it* I’m going to live a full life”.
The New Year
For me, January is a soft start, a start fresh feeling that I take with a pinch of salt. After all, I like to defer to the seasons when it comes to setting intentions, goals or big life decisions. And the season? Well, it’s Winter after all. Shouldn’t we all be resting?
If you’re sitting on that notion for a moment, deep down you’re itching to tear down your decorations and start the year with a huge push, I get that. It’s the way we’ve always been, but in turn, so has that mid-Jan slump. Where we gradually remember it is an arduous month for all these resolutions. Our exhaustion catches up with us, and instead of embracing the slow down with open arms, we resist, berate and guilt ourselves into a Monday morning reset as a weekly ritual of shame.
So, instead, this year, I’ll be taking a gentle movement into the New Year. Bidding farewell to a turbulent year, starting to test new intentions, mostly focusing on those which encourage healthy boundaries and rest (rather than the go-get-them kind) and gradually building up to Spring. The month where growth amongst the buds, sunshine and longer days is encouraged.
Anyway, here’s to 2024, however it was for you. And while we are going to be stepping over the line into a new year tomorrow, don’t forget - it’s just a new month. You do not need to reinvent yourself in a season of rest; gentle steps into 2025 are enough.
Hopefully, you enjoyed this post, if you did it would mean the world if you could share or restack it. Thank you!
Happy New Year, Allie 💫
